November 3rd, 2006

I'm so sorry I didn't write the last 2 days. I had to force myself to keep doing this... I don't know why it is so hard ... to start. Actually, something made me do it today, not I. Something you will find out about in the end.

I will try to make a short breakdown of what happenned the last 2 days which I didn't write. Things did happen.

Wednesday, November 1st, 2006.

Today I only had 3 classes, since I had to be a host for my Day of the Dead altar at school. I was dressed nicely, and I felt pretty. I talked to people from my class who I hadn't talked to ever. I had a fun Chemistry class and I am feeling that I am starting to bond more closely to my classmates in this new school. Starting to make new friends. (XXX) not being here this week was good in a way, because I had the chance to speak to more people. Sometimes I don't like being with her because we tend not to talk much to everybody else, although we talk a lot among each other and we think in such alike ways. She's actually one of the best friends I've ever had, but it scares me to admitt it... is it because she is so "weird" to society?

I also had a presentation for Ethics, and this time I was in a new team. I really enjoyed working with them, and I liked having the chance to spend time with them. They are some people who I want to get closer to. I got out of school early today, as I do most Wednesdays, Came back home and slept for a long while...I guess I was very tired. When I woke up, I walked to my old school, where they were having their own Day of the Dead "ofrendas". But what I really wanted to see was them... my old friends. Who I really wanted to see was him. I can't believe I hadn't seen him in such a long time! Maybe a month? I got there around 6 p.m. and got there in time to... help clean up!!! It was fun. I was looking nice because I had worn a formal outfit that day and my hair was untied and done pretty. I talked to him, I hadn't in a long time. It wasn't much, but at least I had the chance again. I stayed for the last class where we did nothing, and then I stayed a while more, talking to people when the bell rang. He had to leave. I said I would leave too with him, but he said he was going somewhere else with some other people. I said it was OK, so I stepped out towards my house by myself, after we said goodbye casually. And I noticed he walked back to say goodbye properly. It confuses me when he does that. I start to think he does care, and then I get illusioned again. Then things bring me down and I don't know what to think anymore. Anyways, I was happy because he walked back to say goodbye... and I followed my way home. I stayed up until late watching TV, which I hadn't done in a while, and then Lisa, my friend who is living with me right now, came home. I decided I was tired, and went to bed. I was feeling happy, but I began to dream again.

November 2nd, 2006

I woke up around 10 am today. We visited my little cousins and had some good fun. We trapped tadpoles,which the older one loves doing, and played soccer. I showed him the pics I took of his birthday and then played with the very little one a bit. He makes me feel so peaceful, he gives me hope to keep going, so that I can someday can have one of my own with someone I love. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find that someone who's good enough that we can share a family. I wonder if this boy I fell for is good enough, and sometimes I don't see myself living in a house with him, sharing a future together,sharing responsiblities... I don't think he is the one I want to choose forever. That makes me think... maybe I just want him for a while, because of my ego, to have sex with him, or something like that?? Is this just something sexual that I need to cover? I don't think I want that kind of person to share my life with. But then I think, why don't I? Maybe I do... because i know I wouln'tthink of havin sex with anyone I met. There is something so very special about him that make sme want to be with him. But maybe it's all just stuff from the past. He's changed so much... and I think what keeps me hanged is my illusion of getting the old one back, the way I want him. The way he was. Just perfect. He isn't like that anymore, at least not with me. After all the things he's told me... why do I keep forgetting them or forgiving him? It's defientely got to be the hope I have of the old one coming back... and being with me. It's got to be that. I wish that would happen. I wish that so much. And it confuses me. Ilovemy little cousin. He really gives me hope. I felt a nice feeling of energy I hadn't felt in a long time.

November 3rd, 2006

I woke up to some good news. I won tickets for Ricardo Arjona's second concert in the city. I was excited since the beginning. My whole day basically consisted in picking those tix up and going to the concert. It was one of the best concerts in my life. I was so closeto himand totally fell in love with him. All the songs he sang reminded me of him. His name is Pablo. He is one of the best friends I have ever had. Our friendship was amazing. We were almost like brothers. And of course, I fell for him. I fell for him hard. He was my first love (and still is...) I met him at my old school 2 years ago, in the 9th grade. It all started because he liked Lisa, and she was since then my friend. I had absolutely no interest in him, I actually helped him "get something with her", which never happenned. Slowly, we started to become closer... and there came a point where we were always together. We both loved being with eachother. We really enjoyed it. I don't know if he ever felt more than a strong friendship for me, but I suspect he did. And one day, I left for Canada. I did a year of my school there, the 10th grade. We didn't lose touch at all, but things happenned. We just weren't that close anymore, naturally, I guess, and then he began to date one of my "friends". When I came back 4 months ago, things weren't anything like I left them. We barely talk to each other now, and it seemslike everything we once were went down the drain. The worst part is I still need him.

I ctched the towel that Ricardo Arjona threw at the concert, and I am so very happy I can't believe it. The whole thing was simply amazing. It made me feel so many things and aaaah I just loved it! Then I comeback, sign in to Messenger and try to figure out who is going to Six Flags tomorrow, as we had planned. Turns out neither Pablo, nor his ex-girlfriend (they broke up about 2 months ago) aregoing because they are in Veracruz with Joanne. Ironically, Pablo, Joanne and I went on a trip together in the summer of 9th grade. That was the time whe Pablo and I were inseparable. One of the most awesome moments of my life, if not the most. And now, just a year and a half after... they don't even tell me they're going somewhere, adn instead, they take Mrs. Ex-girlfriend, who the only thing she does is make Pablo suffer because,like a chain, he still wants her. What the fuck happenned to everything we had? Is it all gone just because I left for a year? Was it really that shallow? My heart refuses to believe it. I can't. It makes mef eel a deep hole inside of me. It hurts. For Joanne and Mrs. Ex I don't care at all, fuck them. But Pablo... I never thought things would change this much. And in so little time. I refuse to believe it. The thought of my best friend totally estranged fomr me... so far away that when we see each other it's like we've barely met... to see everything destroyed just like that becaus eof a dumb girl who can't even laugh. Why are people so shallow? I guess Arjona's songs will help me go through the night... and I have a towel to hug tonight.

I love you, Pablo. And I miss you so much. What I wouldn't to for a chance from you... don't you know how much i could give you? Why do you deny me?

Natalia